Ladies & gentlemen, we have a tie!

Asshole #1: Chuck Norris, political idiot and former Huckabee bodyguard, playing the role of Immigration Policy Wonk:


(Hat-tip DHinMi)

"[...] If these solutions don't stop the tides of illegal flow in and out of our borders, a friend of mine has a Texas-tough alternative and answer to replace the government's virtual fence failure. In fact, he says, we don't need a security fence at all. All we need to do is to post signs and position manned trucks at key points, just like our government does at Area 51, the top secret military airfield in remote central Nevada, around which there are no fences or walls. There is never a breach or unwanted border crossing there, at least that we hear about! And why? Because the boundary sign reads and is never questioned, 'Warning: Use of deadly force authorized.'"

One would think that before Norris started proposing "final solutions" to "problems" of people who "aren't like us," he would have realized that the Nazis, through the experiences of their mobile killing units, the einsatzgruppen, discovered that shooting wasn't a very efficient way of killing large numbers of people, i.e. why not just round up the brown little bastards and gas 'em to death, eh Chuck?

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Asshole #2: Karl Malone, world-class NBA scumbag, and early contender for Father of the Year:


(Hat-tip Allen Wilson)

"Demetrius Bell, a Buffalo Bills seventh-round pick, is the son of Malone, but Malone had no role in Bell’s life except passing along athletic genes. His mother, Gloria Bell, reportedly was only 13 years old and Malone, a college sophomore at Louisiana Tech, when Demetrius was born. Malone might have served jail time had her family asked the district attorney to file criminal charges.

Bell didn’t even know Malone was his father until after graduating from high school. When they finally met, Malone told the 18-year-old Bell it was too late to be his father, and that Bell would have to 'earn his money on his own.'

*pulls out calculator*

13 years, minus nine months of pregnancy, carry the one...

Wow. If Wilson's claim is correct, then there's a 75% chance that Malone fucked a 12-year-old girl... when he was in college. And a 100% chance he's both a child molester and a deadbeat dad.

Yo, "Mailman"... even in Louisiana, 12-year-olds are still just kids. Hell, they don't give up their jailbait cards until they're 17!

P.S. Bell has become close to his half-sister Cheryl Ford, a WNBA player (and another one of Malone's illegitimate children). Bell calls her the biggest influence on his football career.

Tags: asshole, child molester, immigration, loathsome people, sports
From: Chicago
Mood: Congratulatory
Now Playing: 'Asshole' - Jim's Big Ego

The Family Values Party strikes again:

37-year-old Donald Fleischman, chairman of the Republican Party in Brown County, faces criminal charges for allegedly fondling a 16-year-old male runaway and providing him with beer and marijuana. Fleischman is charged with two counts of child enticement, two counts of contributing to the delinquency of a child and a single charge of exposing himself to a child.

(Hat-tip ms_daisy_cutter)
The WisPolitics Courtwatch blog has more details on this seedy story, as well as a copy of the criminal complaint (PDF):

Fleischman allegedly allowed at least two 16-year-old boys to stay at his house and told one of them he could "smoke pot and drink alcohol" at his house and not have to worry about anything, according to the criminal complaint.

…The boys lived at home for at-risk youth receiving court-ordered treatment that is located across the street from Fleischman's house. Fleischman allegedly offered the boys marijuana, and one of the juveniles alleged that Fleischman said he could stay at his house if he ever ran away.

One of the victims said Fleischman allegedly told him "it would be cool for him to have two 16-year-old roommates and he stated he would even do their laundry for them."

Tags: child abuse, child molester, crime, republican hypocrisy, republican sex scandals
From: Chicago
Mood: Ew
Now Playing: 'Super Freak' - Rick James

See you in hell, counselor
Florida federal prosecutor John D.R. Atchison, accused of flying to Detroit last month to molest a 5-year-old girl, committed suicide in his cell Friday in federal prison.

Atchison was found unresponsive, taken to a hospital and pronounced dead, said Felicia Ponce, spokeswoman for the Federal Bureau of Prisons in Washington. A previous suicide attempt was foiled in September, according to authorities.

Atchison was being held in a special housing unit in the prison in Milan, about 36 miles southwest of Detroit. The administrative detention area houses all levels of prisoners, and Atchison had a cell to himself, Ponce said, declining to say how he killed himself or whether he was on suicide watch.

Atchison, 53, was arrested last month at Detroit Metropolitan Airport after weeks of Internet conversations between the prosecutor and a detective posing as the mother of a 5-year-old girl. He was carrying presents for the girl, including a doll and hoop earrings, and also had sexual materials, including petroleum jelly.

After his arrest, Atchison was placed on suicide watch, but it was lifted at the request of the defense, after Atchison assured a U.S. magistrate he wouldn't harm himself. Two days later, Atchison used a sheet in his Sanilac County jail cell to try to hang himself.

A married father of three, Atchison was an assistant U.S. attorney in northern Florida, based in Pensacola. Residents have described him as a respected figure who coached girls' softball and basketball in a park a few blocks from his home. A statement released Friday by his lawyer said he had "done a lot of good in his life."

"Unfortunately, he is going to be judged by his most recent charges and what we have read in the media, and not by the goodness, hard work or by the love of his family," the statement read.

Tags: child abuse, child molester, doj scandal, suicide
From: Chicago
Mood: Good Riddance

(Hat-tip Jeralyn Merritt)
Federal prosecutor John D.R. Atchison, who authorities say flew to Michigan for a sexual encounter with a 5-year-old girl tried to hang himself in his jail cell, but was stopped in time, said Sanilac County Sheriff Virgil Strickler.

Atchison, the married father of three, is an assistant U.S. attorney based in Pensacola, Florida and president of a youth sports association in Gulf Breeze. He was arrested Sunday and was initially placed on a suicide watch, but the watch was lifted at the request of the defense, after Atchison assured a U.S. magistrate Tuesday he "wouldn't harm himself."

The arrest took place at Detroit Metropolitan Airport after Atchison arrived for a meeting with someone authorities say he thought was the mother of a 5-year-old girl with whom he allegedly arranged to have sex. The woman was actually a Macomb County sheriff's detective participating in an Internet sex sting operation. Atchison is charged with three felonies, the most serious of which is crossing state lines with intent to have sex with someone under 12. Conviction carries a minimum 30-year prison sentence and a maximum of life.

His defense lawyer, James C. Thomas, has declined to comment on the arrest, but did say that he regretted asking for the suicide watch to be lifted. Atchison's boss, U.S. Attorney Gregory R. Miller, said in a statement earlier this week that his office was cooperating with the investigation, and that staff members were "deeply saddened by the arrest."

Tags: child abuse, child molester, doj scandal
From: Chicago
Mood: Throw Away The Key

(Hat-tip Bill Maher)
New Rule: Republicans changed their party before - from the party that freed the slaves to the party that freed Scooter Libby - and they survived. Now it's time for them to stop pretending they're still the party of Reagan and take up a new banner: The Party of Superfreaky Superfreaks.

This week, John Bryan the chairman of the St. Petersburg, Florida, City Council was accused of having sex with his two adopted daughters and their nanny. And he could have been in real trouble, too, if it turned out the nanny was an illegal. But he got ahead of the story when he killed himself by sitting in the garage with the doors closed and the riding lawn mower on.

Two guesses which party he was a member of. And the first guess doesn't count.

And that's not fair. You knew he was a Republican, because even in death, he was still wasting gas.

Republicans sex scandals are getting to be like Iraqi car bombings. By the time you hear about one, there's been another. Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Vitter, Craig... It's like "Clue" only the answer is always "A Republican... in the washroom... with his cock."

The Republicans should run on that. "America: You're 230 But We'll Still Fuck You." Especially if you're a dude.

It's not really inspiring, but it's better than "Mitt Romney: He Has Hair."

...

P.S. And speaking of Republican sex scandals (hat-tip ms_daisy_cutter)...

Tags: bill maher, child abuse, child molester, republican sex scandals, suicide
From: Chicago
Mood: Amused
Now Playing: CNN

Something tells me I'm going to really enjoy this film, featuring 100 different comedians telling the same filthy joke in their own personal style (a joke second only to the "Shrimp Joke" and possibly the "Hooker Puke Joke" on the Vile-O-Meter).

If you haven't actually heard the joke before, you can find several variations of it here.

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And speaking of vile ('cept this ain't no joke):


Schwartzmiller: Death Penalty Poster Boy

SAN JOSE, CA - Twelve years ago, Dean Schwartzmiller stood in a Portland courtroom and cried as he apologized to a 15-year-old boy he'd molested, the predator's third conviction. He wasn't so sorry, though, that he wouldn't do it again. And again. And again.... ( Read the rest here )

Tags: aristocrats, child molester, crime
Mood: Disgusted
Now Playing: "All The Young Dudes" - Mott The Hoople